John Rosemond | Syndicated columnist
I recently asked a married couple who have three kids, none of whom are yet teens, “Who are the most important people in your family?”
Like all good moms and dads of this brave new millennium, they answered, “Our kids!”
“Why?” I then asked. “What is it about your kids that gives them that status?” And like all good moms and dads of this brave new millennium, they couldn’t answer the question other than to fumble with appeals to emotion.
So, I answered the question for them: “There is no reasonable thing that gives your children that status.”
I went on to point out that many if not most of the problems they’re having with their kids — typical stuff, these days — are the result of treating their children as if they, their marriage, and their family exist because of the kids when it is, in fact, the other way around. Their kids exist because of them and their marriage and thrive because they have created a stable family.
Furthermore, without them, their kids wouldn’t eat well, have the nice clothing they wear, live in the nice home in which they live, enjoy the great vacations they enjoy, and so on. Instead of lives that are relatively carefree (despite the drama to the contrary that they occasionally manufacture), their children would be living lives full of worry and want.
This issue is really the heart of the matter. People my age know it’s the heart of the matter because when we were kids it was clear to us that our parents were the most important people in our families. And that, right there, is why we respected our parents and that, right there, is why we looked up to adults in general. Yes, Virginia, once upon a time in the United States of America, children were second-class citizens, to their advantage.
It was also clear to us — I speak, of course, in general terms, albeit accurate — that our parents’ marriages were more important to them than their relationships with us. Therefore, we did not sleep in their beds or interrupt their conversations. The family meal, at home, was regarded as more important than after-school activities. Mom and Dad talked more — a lot more — with one another than they talked with you. For lack of pedestals, we emancipated earlier and much more successfully than have children since.
The most important person in an army is the general. The most important person in a corporation is the CEO. The most important person in a classroom is the teacher. And the most important person in a family are the parents.
The most important thing about children is the need to prepare them properly for responsible citizenship. The primary objective should not be raising a straight-A student who excels at three sports, earns a spot on the Olympic swim team, goes to an A-list university and becomes a prominent brain surgeon. The primary objective is to raise a child such that community and culture are strengthened.
“Our child is the most important person in our family” is the first step toward raising a child who feels entitled.
You don’t want that. Unbeknownst to your child, he doesn’t need that. And neither does America.
35 photos of unlikely animal friendships
A one year old cat and a six month old St. Bernard dog relax after a play session, April 18, 1963. The two are great pals. The dog was brought into the family by a Frankfurt, Germany newsman when he was about the same size, as the cast. (AP Photo)
Anonymous
Stretching out for a gossip with Cissie, a cream pony, is Cecilia the Camel, a lady with the things on her mind. Both girls are residents of Whipsand in Bedfordshire, England, Sept. 6, 1963. (AP Photo)
STF
Stretching out for a gossip with Cissie, a cream pony, is Cecilia the Camel, a lady with the things on her mind. Both girls are residents of Whipsand in Bedfordshire, England, Sept. 6, 1963. (AP Photo)
STF
All the animals are pretty tame at the Percy Pangborn Ranch above Lake Wenatchee in the foothills of Washington State’s Cascade Mountains, Sept. 14, 1963. A golden mantled ground squirrel chomps away on a nut as it rides around on the neck of a fawn. (AP Photo)
Anonymous
Fangs flash in the sun and the dust flies as Jackie, a monkey, and lady, a dog, face each other in fierce combat in Natal, South Africa, Sept. 23, 1963 but the anger is mock and blood is never drawn. Owned by animal trainer Jamie Van Heerden, Jackie and Lay are just a pair of hams and great friends besides. Mr. Van Heerden has supplied the animals used in the films “Zulu” and “Rhino” which were shot in Natal. (AP Photo)
STR
Mitzie the cat waits on her strange dinner guest a squirrel, left, as one of her family studies the situation in Coventry, Rhode Islands, May 13, 1966. Mrs. Richard Gadoury who owns Mitzie, found the squirrel nearly-dead and brought it into the house. When it came time for feeding of Mitzie’s kittens she added the squirrel who took to the situation like a member of the family. (AP Photo)
STR
Jocko, a performing monkey at Coney Island cuddles a baby duck that wandered away from the duck pond at the Steeplechase Park animal exhibition at the New York City amusement park, May 26, 1966. (AP Photo)
Anonymous
Little Wimpy, a 6-month-old pileated, or black-capped, Gibbon, stretches a friendly and over the black Great Dane guard dog at Twycross Zoo in Leicestershire, England, June 6, 1966. The difference in their size has not interfered with the warm companionship between Prince, the big dog, and the little monkey. Wimpy was born at the Zoo. (AP Photo/S)
S
Tiny, a female Chihuahua who lives in Savannah, Ga., June 15, 1966 has taken over the mothering of four kittens. Tiny, who has pups of her own, dutifully washes and otherwise cares for the Maltese brood. The mother cat, Pepper, reportedly takes it all calmly, as would anyone who ever has disturbed a Chihuahua. (AP Photo)
STR
The tomcat, thinking discretion the better part of valor, has made friends with six young, orphaned opossums at Rome Ga., June 22, 1966. Some of the youngsters snarl at an unwelcome intruder, the pooch. The critters were adopted by Gary Poole, 11, of Lindale, a Rome suburb. (AP Photo)
Anonymous
Susie, a chimpanzee, runs around the lawns of Castle Combe with “Polanesia” the parrot. Both appear in the film “Doctor Dolittle” currently in production in this little village in Wiltshire Valley, England, July 21, 1966. (AP Photo)
Anonymous
Four of the five kittens adopted by Ginger crowd in for their dinner as the mother dog’s lone puppy sleepily rests on her head. The kittens were left on the doorstep of 12-year-old Linda Polley, of Miami, Florida, August 1, 1966 a couple of days ago and she gave them to Ginger to care for. Since Ginger only has the one puppy she easily cares for the mixed family. (AP Photo)
ASSOCIATED PRESS
Rosalind, a week-old African monkey being raised by Boston’ Franklin Park Zoo, August 13, 1966 eases over to sleeping cocker, Susie, because it’s hungry. Dr. Susan Pressman, Head of the Zoo’s hospital, has been taking the monkey home when she found her pet cocker was motherly towards the animal. When full grown, Rosalind will be the size of Susie. (AP Photo)
ASSOCIATED PRESS
A baby goat is nursed by a mother donkey and the baby donkey is comforted by its mother as it waits its turn to feet. The goat has become a regular visitor to the donkey corral at meal time at the Friendly Farm in Dublin, N.H., Oct. 7, 1966. (AP Photo)
STR
Pixie, a two-year-old Chihuahua owned by Fred Johnson of Denison, Tex., carries a young cotton tail rabbit to her bed in Dallas, Texas, Oct. 13, 1966. Pixie “adopted” the bunny after another Johnson dog brought it home from a trip to the nearby fields. Pixie jealously guards the furry friends from the Johnsons and the other dog. (AP Photo)
Anonymous
The spaniel decided to take a friendly nip of the tabby’s ear, but the cat turned the tables and chomped on his buddy’s tail. It was all in fun for the Orlando, Florida playmates, March 21, 1967. (AP Photo)
Anonymous
While Daffy the duck and Elisa Baltes get chummy topside, Romeo the lamb concentrates on the bowl of popcorn on the lawn of the William Baltes home in Sandusky, Ohio, June 8, 1967. Daffy and Romeo are buddies, always together. And Daffy shares Romeo’s taste for popcorn. (AP Photo)
STR
When one of her litter died and three others were adopted, a few vacancies arose in the feed line of Susie, a terrier so she welcomed a young raccoon as one of her brood. Susie is the pet of Harry Wells Jr. of 18 Pine Valley Rd. in Savannah, Ga., July 1, 1967, serving dinner to her mixed-up family. (AP Photo/HP)
Anonymous
When their mother abandoned them four weeks ago, these four kittens were adopted by a 3-year-old Pekinese dog in Frankfort, Ohio, Sept. 8, 1967. The dog, owned by the Leon Graham family, had never had pups of her own, but took to motherhood quite naturally. She nurses the kittens and when one strays off, she picks it up by the back of the neck and brings it back. (AP Photo)
Anonymous
An affectionate peck on the ear is always a good way to make friends, and that is just what this duckling is doing with a rather complacent collie at Dover, Del., Oct. 13, 1967. (AP Photo/Chuck McGowen)
Chuck McGowen
Barren, a two-year-old St. Bernard, has a big St. Bernard-type kiss for his pint-size buddy, a pet guinea pig who shares quarters with the dog at the home of Mr. and Mrs. Henry Schuurman of Marshall, Minn., April 10, 1968. Even though the 210-pound dog outweighs his friend, the pig doesn’t appear to be frightened at all. However, the Schuurmans keep a close eye on the unusual pair. (AP Photo)
Anonymous
This baby raccoon joined the two-pup litter of Mary Beth Reider’s pet dog the day after the pups were born on May 12. The masked intruder has been adopted by the mother, who appears to be “coondoggled” rather than “boondoggled” by it all. The Reider’s live in Calvert, Md., near Elkton, May 31, 1968. (AP Photo)
Anonymous
An eight-year-old dog living near the small village of Rundyik in extreme north of Sweden, became the step-mom to a pair of hedgehogs, July 30, 1968. (AP Photo)
Anonymous
Juno, 7-year-old Great Dane owned by head keeper Carley at Twycross Zoo, Leicestershire England, Oct. 4, 1968, has been recruited to be “baby sitter to a leopard cub born at the zoo. The cub’s mother had twins and took to one and not the other so head keeper Carley hand reared the baby and now at eight weeks the cub is flourishing and plays around Juno most of the waking hours. Juno makes out to bite of the cubs head in play and the as yet unnamed cub jumps over her back. The pair are great friends but soon the leopard cub’ claws will come out and the kissing will stop, the cubs and Juno will have to go their separate ways. (AP Photo)
Anonymous
Tina, an 8-months-old leopard, right, strains at its leash and sniffs at 8-months-old Timmy, a pooch at Pacific Ocean Park Zoo in Santa Monica, California, Jan. 9, 1961. Tina, true to the style of leopards, Seldom becomes friendly with other animals. She’ll play with Timmy, owned by a trainer at the zoo, in brief spurts—then she lets out with a growl. That’s Timmy’s cue to take off by himself. (AP Photo/Don Brinn)
Don Brinn
Mother love, Bassett hound style, takes on all comers. These two ducklings, leftover from Easters, at the home of Susan Norris, daughter of Mr. and Mrs. James D. Norris, are constant companions of her sleepy-eyed, long-eared hours named Henrietta in Miami, Florida, April 13, 1961. The ears are especially handy during cool weather. (AP Photo)
Anonymous
A cat and dog and hamster life is one of harmony, in the case of this trio in Sun Valley, California, May 1, 1961. The three belong to Frank Inn, who trains them for movies and television. They live together and like it. (AP Photo/Harold Filan)
Harold Filan
Bunnifer who was just a ball of fur when found last fall has grown into a somewhat confused rabbit. But no more so than Tippie, the year-old German shepherd-type dog, who has the mixed up idea that Bunnifer is her pup in Louisville, Kentucky, Dec. 14, 1961. To further confuse the menage of Mr. and Mrs. Harry Beam the rabbit prefers sardines, cooked broccoli and an occasional sip of beer to his normal raw vegetable diet. Since no one has explained to the dog and rabbit their attitude is not normal they go on enjoying each others company. (AP Photo)
AP
Normally it’s the bird that fears the cat, but this kitten looks mighty worried under the piercing gaze of a hawk in Lawrence, Kansas, June 11, 1962. Both are pets of the Robert Schwanzle family of Lawrence. The cat, named, Jose, is held by Susan Schwanzle. Her brother, Mike, found the young hawk a couple of months ago. So far it has shown no belligerent tendencies-despite the way it’s looking at Jose. (AP Photo)
STR
Cat and rat may well be a disgrace to their species because of their love for one another, but their owners, the William Falk family of Salem, Oregon point to them as an example of good training, Sept. 5, 1961. They even eat and sleep together. (AP Photo)
Anonymous
Could be that Sparky, the bear cub, is saying: “Don’t worry pal, I’ll get you on your feet again!” to Torpy, the tortoise, at Jungleland, an animal zoo at Thousand Oaks, California, July 16, 1962 Torpy was turned upside down by an attendant for the benefit of photographers and Sparky obliged by his nose into the situation. (AP Photo)
AP
Could be that Sparky, the bear cub, is saying: “Don’t worry pal, I’ll get you on your feet again!” to Torpy, the tortoise, at Jungleland, an animal zoo at Thousand Oaks, California, July 16, 1962 Torpy was turned upside down by an attendant for the benefit of photographers and Sparky obliged by his nose into the situation. (AP Photo)
AP
The lamb and the lion shall lie down together, the Bible reveals, and a Hollywood studio made them do just that for George Stevens’ production of “The Greatest story Ever Told" Sept. 26, 1962. The biblical movie required the display of togetherness, and Cleo, a two-year-old trained lioness, restrained herself for this scene of pastoral bliss. She frightened off four other lambs before this one accepted the association. (AP Photo/Don Brinn)
Don Brinn
Intruders, certainly, buy obviously not “Wimpy”, the six-months-old Pileated or Black-capped Gibbon, born at Twycross zoo, Leicestershire, May 28, 1966. He and Prince, the black great anee guard dog athe zoo, are the best of pals, despite the big difference in their size. (AP Photo)
ASSOCIATED PRESS
An elephant and a dog peer apprehensively from a freight car before debarking at the Harlem River freight yards in New York City, April 1, 1963. The animals were on the Ringling Brothers and Barnum and Bailey Circus train arriving in New York for the opening of the Circus at Madison Square Garden on April 3. (AP Photo/Goldberg)
Goldberg
Visit family psychologist John Rosemond’s website at www.johnrosemond.com ; readers may send him email at questions@rosemond.com ; due to the volume of mail, not every question will be answered.
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